Self confidence and self love

From understanding to being

Image by Jaredd Craig

What to expect from that Ebook

Have you ever believed that you weren't going to make it? That you are not up to the task? That others are much better and better qualified than you, so "who am I to pretend to do the same?" "? In short, to minimize your value without tangible proof and in the end to find all the excuses not to try, just because deep down: you don't dare?
If so, then this book is for you, and I have the hope deep in my heart that it will bring you an ounce of comfort (no, you are not alone, by far) and, why not, concrete solutions to implement in order to take the first steps in your future fulfilling and confident life!
Have you ever believed that you weren't going to make it? That you are not up to the task? That others are much better and better qualified than you, so "who am I to pretend to do the same?" "? In short, to minimize your value without tangible proof and in the end to find all the excuses not to try, just because deep down: you don't dare?
If so, then this book is for you, and I have the hope deep in my heart that it will bring you an ounce of comfort (no, you are not alone, by far) and, why not, concrete solutions to put in place in order to take the first steps in your future fulfilling and confident life!

Helping Hand

Dans ce livre, vous trouverez :

Clarté

Des distinctions claires qui apportent plus de clarté sur ce que sont la confiance et l'amour de soi

Outils

Trois outils pour mieux vous connaître, vous accepter, et lâcher prise.

Origines

Des apports philosophiques et psychanalytiques sur leurs origines, ainsi que sur la notion essentielle d'Amour.

Soutien

Une invitation pour 30 mns de séance de coaching gratuites afin d'établir un plan d'action concret et adapté pour VOUS.

Mountain Cliff Hiker

“Happiness, not in another place but this place, not for another hour but this hour”

Walt Whitman

Boat Trip

What is self-confidence, and what is self-love?

Very big questions, which I do not pretend to cover in a few lines. Nevertheless, some notions and distinctions seem essential to me for a good understanding of what we are talking about, and better understanding means being able to act more freely.

Mountain Cliff Hiker

1 Self-confidence is not arrogance

Perhaps you have already dealt with arrogant people? Arrogance comes from misplaced pride and a sense of superiority. Confidence comes from a balance: we feel neither superior nor inferior. We are just ourselves, aware of who we are, and in the acceptance of who we are. Self-confidence therefore comes from a form of acceptance of oneself (with its faults and qualities), which can only arise with a form of self-knowledge. But then, how do you know yourself? As Socrates said: « Know yourself », and do not pretend to be a God, that is the basis of everything.

2 Who are you?

To answer this question, we must first define who we are not. Now, for example, someone arrogant does not know who he is: he thinks he is someone else, a projection, someone superior to others. Self-confidence is therefore born from a certain authenticity: I am who I am, and I do not take myself for someone else. Once you remove all comparison with others, and all projection with who I would like to be, then I can ask myself the real questions: What do I really like to do? What brings me joy, what motivates me and no one else? What am I good at, what am I less good at?

3 Acceptance

But once this work is done, you still have to know how to accept yourself as you are. Believe me, it's easier to do once you've done the previous work: without comparing yourself and without projecting yourself, there is nothing but yourself, and you know that you have to deal with you as you are. We can then really take the time to observe ourselves as we are and really get to know this wonderful and unique creature that I am. Do animals accept each other as they are? There is no doubt about it, they are as they are, that is all. You are as you are now, this is the starting point. The important thing is to observe yourself without judgment, in total benevolence, with your strengths and weaknesses which are only differences. Only once this work is done can we then move on to the next step.

4 The acquisition of skills

Well yes, do you think that we can be confident not knowing how to do anything? No. On the other hand, one can very well know how to do LOTS of things, and still not be confident AT ALL. How is it possible ? It is because instead of focusing on what we already have, we see what we do not have or not yet. We focus on nothing, emptiness, wind, instead of gratefully rejoicing in the full that we are. The truth is that we are always full, and it is in this sense that Spinoza says that we are always perfect, even one-armed: we are not missing an arm, we are fully one-armed, it is the comparison which gives the illusion of lack. We are therefore always a full glass. The key is to know what water quality you want this glass to be full of. We can be very competent in an area that does not fill us with joy and does not strengthen our self-confidence, on the contrary, it can destroy it: if this area disappears, then we are nothing, since we are identified with this skill. The secret is not to identify with your skills, but to identify the skills that really match US.

5 Recognition of others and self-love

Only then can we really appreciate the recognition of others, because if we play a role or are only the puppet of our projections, then the others don't really like us: they like the show, the spectacle, the shadow cast at the back of Plato's cave. Once the costume is removed, once again, nothing is left. The best investment you can make in your life is in yourself, not in an appearance of self. And once you love yourself for who you really are, then the love of others is authentically directed towards me and nourishes me sustainably. Recognition from others is therefore not to be sought, it is acquired by loving yourself first: love yourself and the world will love you. And there is no real self-confidence without self-love.

6 Self-love is not selfishness

A final fundamental distinction to be made is the one between self-love, which is close to respect and benevolence, and selfishness, which consists in attributing things to oneself AT THE EXPENSE of others. Taking care of yourself does not mean making the other suffer, on the contrary, it means giving myself the resources to be more present and available to the other: what use would I be if I were exhausted? That's why we are always our top priority. I love myself for who I am and I must respect myself absolutely, without compromise: no sign of disrespect is tolerated. Knowing how to set one's limits and take care of oneself are the pillars of self-love, and they require a lot of practice and awareness, but the rewards are immeasurable: because it is about being truly yourself, in the respect of the others, and in the fullness of its legitimacy. Only then can I start a life which is truly mine, and which will still teach me a lot about myself: self-confidence and self-love go hand in hand and are reinforced by concrete actions in life.

The origins of self-love and self-confidence.

It is not a question here of giving a course in psychology, but of returning quickly to the origins which will enlight the future.


Indeed, from a confusion about these origins come a lot of unnecessary suffering

1 Confidence does not come from the mind

Indeed, there is no point in trying to convince yourself mentally or to tell yourself that you are confident and that you will make it. It doesn't work, and we know it. However, it seems that by encouraging myself, by pushing myself to move forward, to work more, I will eventually make it. Maybe, but we can just as easily encourage ourselves to go straight into the wall, or in a direction totally opposite to the one that suits us best. So pay attention to the superficial and artificially created motivation: we do not push ourselves to go towards an object, the Object itself must attract us, Aristotle would say. We have to desire in the deepest sense of the word, with the awareness deep within ourselves that this is exactly what suits us. Only then do we know that we are going on our way. Only then do we build real self-confidence.

2 Love

Self-confidence indeed comes quite simply from love. But what love are we talking about here? I am not talking about the love relayed on the media, the books, and the songs which make it an addictive and illusory episode which transcends all reason. But of a benevolent and non-judgmental love, full acceptance of the other, which comes closer to the true love of a parent for his child. Whatever the child does, a parent will always love him, if that love is real (but it is rare). This love cannot include the slightest attempt at control, the least expectation, or even the slightest attachment, because then, we do not love our beloved one for who he or she is, but for who we would like him or her to be, or even for something that belongs to us. Do you remember ? We like the projection, the shadow, and we compare to what that person could be instead of loving who they are, with their flaws and qualities. In short, true love is a pure offering of freedom: be as you are, I will love you as much. Rare and yet so precious, it is “The road less traveled” in the world, as Scott Peck shows it so well, and yet the most essential for any profession that aims to support others : for a psychotherapist or a life coach, benevolent and non-judgmental love is the key to creating a profound transformation in his client. The tools and other techniques are only the expressions of this essential love and are only intended to create the healthy space to grow and learn. We learn at any age, but we only really grow on the basis of love, otherwise we get stuck in the mind and superficial knowledge.

3 Others

Finally, self-confidence and self-love do not come only from oneself. In fact, I would even say that we should remove “self” and only talk about confidence and love. Not in general, but concretely like what we bathe in, like a fish moves in the water. There is love, there is confidence, around us, without which, alone in the world, we would never even be aware of it. There is confidence in the eyes of this father who lets his child ride a two-wheeled bike for the first time, there is love in this presence that says to him: whatever happens to you, I will be there for you. And as Charles Pépin says so well, there is no confidence without trust in Life: a trust that I give to Life, but that I also deserve from It. Help yourself and heaven will help you! Loving Life and moving forward with joy is the best gift we can give ourselves, and that too can be learned. Have you also experienced times when you felt that everything was going against you, that everything seemed to slow down, slow down your progress, and yet your mind was telling you to keep pushing? It is the best way to miss the joy, the lightness and the synchronicity that one experiences by letting oneself go into the flow of life and being perfectly aligned with oneself, life, and one's actions. So if you are feeling like that now, struggling and mistrsting Life for any appearant reason, please consider arranging a free call with me, as I do not ask anything more than being of any help for you :

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